Yoga; More than just stretching and sweating

Photo courtesy of I Love Limerick and Dolf Patijn, part of Yoga for Palestine

In one of my last posts I talked about my recent weight loss, I got an overwhelming reaction from people, thank you for all of your kind words and for sharing your stories too. I said in that post that I would talk more about my journey with yoga. Paths are best explained when you wander up the dirt track that leads to the main road; I can't explain my revelations without telling you where I came from first. I am, or maybe the word 'was' is more appropriate, one of those cliche nerds, I pride myself in what I'm good at, I wrap myself up in words, my ability to make stuff, and buffer myself from the world with pursuits of the mind. This was my comfort zone for a long time, I'd hide my sadness underneath a mountain of work, and filter out my anxiety into jars of buttons. It worked for the most part, but it involved me emotionally hiding from myself, it also meant that I had no relationship with my physical body. All of my work and social pursuits were to do with my mind, and I felt awkward in my own skin. I was the kid who was laughed at in P.E(gym class), but rather than figure out how to get better, I embraced my failures and wore them like armour, 'I'm crap at this, and it will never change' was my mantra. This meant that I turned into an adult that sneered at physical exercise, wrongfully thought that people who were into fitness were vain, and avoided any instances that might show up my own short comings in this area. I know now it was all defensive rubbish, I was afraid of being that kid who was laughed at.

I let this go on until my 30's, at which point I became friends with Chrstine McNally a yoga teacher who had just moved back to Limerick. Over the years lots of friends had encouraged me to join classes with them, or go running/swimming/climbing, but I skirted their offers, fearing failure and mockery. Yoga on the other hand intrigued me, it wasn't competitive, it was something I could do alone, and people of all ages and fitness levels seemed to enjoy it. After much gentle and pursuasive conversations Christine convinced me to join her beginners class. 

I was terrified before going. Heart beating fast, nervous tightness in my tummy, and the hamster wheel inner dialogue of self sabotage telling me not to turn up to class. I sat at the back, wanting to be invisible, feeling awkward and enormous in a tracksuit and vest. I told myself it was only an hour, no matter how bad it got, it would be over soon. As with all fears, it really wasn't as bad as I though, no way near in fact. Yes I was sore and out of breath, yes I got lost in half of the poses, and yes I was a sweaty mess. I learned that there's nothing wrong with all of those things, the worst thing happened, and it was totally grand. If you fall over nobody is going to point and laugh, in fact they'll probably pick you up and tell you after class an embarrassing story when they fell/toppled/farted/cried. In that first class, and in many since, I learned that not all bodies are created equal, the fittest person is not going to be the best, that in fact being the best has no place in a yoga room, everyone has their own practice and moves in the way that is suitable to their own physique. In saying that it was comforting to see that the gym bunny guy couldn't get his heels to the floor and I could, it destroyed all of my illusions about some size based fitness hierarchy. By the end of that first class I was exhausted but exhilarated, happy that I hadn't wimped out,and that I kept going when my muscles were tired and my brain was totally confused. In the days that followed my body ached in placed that I didn't know were possible, but I was in my body, feeling it hurt, but knowing it was because I made it do what it was meant to; move. If I'm very honest I know it was the fact that myself and Chirstine are good friends that I turned up to that second class, I couldn't face the text asking me where was I if I didn't go. It was the old habits of self sabotage telling me that yoga wasn't for me, running from the thing I wasn't immediately good at. Determined to take control of these insidious voices I walked into the second class and sat at the front, it didn't matter if people saw me make a mess of things, my best chance of learning was to be near the teacher and not miss and instructions by hiding in the rear. After that I was hooked.

Each week that went by the days of aching afterwards got less, and I felt my body grow stronger, as the terms passed by I could feel my body slipping into poses that had baffled me months previously. Yoga isn't about getting into funny positions and posting pictures of yourself on Instagram, although it's hard to remember that sometimes given how it is portrayed. For me anyhow, it's about the things I learn on that small foam mat. I learn about my preconceptions of myself, about breaking those notions, I learn to be kind to myself, patient, forgiving, but to also push myself where I'm afraid to go. It's not about getting the crown of your head to the floor in Prasarita Padottanasana  but about trying each time, and being ok with not being able to do it. These were huge lessons for me to learn as a perfectionist, to embrace 'failire', to stop looking at things as an end point, but to revel in the process, to celebrate the freedom in futility. These ideas are so counter-intuitive to how we behave in our every day lives that it's possible to never learn these important lessons. Yoga has helped me to slow down and see the bigger picture, to fear the unknown less, to believe in my own strength more, and to breath calmly through the little niggly shit in life. The type of yoga that I do is Ashtanga, it's a set sequence that never changes, people dedicate their lives to perfecting this one sequence, embracing the banality of repetition, and growing with the practice over years. There is something incredibly freeing in following the same set, knowing what's coming, including the impossible posses as well as the seemingly 'easy' ones, smiling into both of them with equal acceptance. Knowing I can step off the mat at any moment, but knowing that I choose not to reminds me that my own life is not a cage, that my circumstances are the 'mat' that I have chosen for myself, so I smile into the bad days and take them with the good.

I have fallen over, I've toppled out of headstand, I've sweated and cursed over failing to do Urdhva Dhanurasana(the wheel) for a year and a half, I've laughed out loud surprised at what my body was able to do, I've sobbed uncontrollably because of some deep emotion that was brought up by meditation, and I've spent hours on end in a daze in the happy glow that a hard practice can give you. I have also met the most wonderful friends through the class that Christine runs. Back when I lived in Limerick we would go for breakfast after class, sharing the weird hyper energy that yoga gives back to you. It's only been a short amount of time, but I can't believe the changes that trickled down from that first class. As I said in my last post, it's not the weight that I lost, the most significant changes were inside me. 

Note: Christine did not pay me for this!!! But if you are interested in her classes head over to her Facebook page.

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Weight Loss; A different before and after story

I said that this blog would change when I came back to writing, that I wanted it to be more personal and less about craft. My battle with my own body image is something that I've touched on before but never been totally honest about here. In the past year I have lost a significant amount of weight, the type of significant weight loss that people plaster Instagram Before and After photos with. I'm not that kind of person though, and there is something in those posts that rankles with the feminist in me. There is something inherently wrong in those 'look at me now' photos that makes women feel ashamed if they are not ripped and svelte. I blogged for many years in my 'What I'm Wearing Posts' about being happy and confident as a plus size woman, if I was to turn around now with a crass before and after shot that would feel like negating that positive message I was trying to convey.

Nearly every woman I know has a complex relationship with her own body; how she feels about it herself, how she feels it's viewed by others, how she views other women's bodies in comparison to her own. This evolves and become less fraught as we get older, but there is still baggage that we all struggle to grapple with, hopefully we learn to let go and find some true inner confidence. Given how loud the voice of the media is, this struggle can be hard, it can take years of blocking out the white noise that tells you to hate yourself while trying to sell you the solution in the form of fashion and the latest phony wrinkle cream. I certainly have not been immune to this loud inner critic, I've cried in changing rooms, I've hated my reflection, I've masked the pain of feeling monstrously unattractive, but there are very few women that I know who can't tell a similar story. Thankfully that stage of my life is over, not because I'm thinner, but because I spent years figuring out how to unpack that baggage, leave it behind, and start loving myself properly. 

I have been many shapes and sizes over the years. When I started college I was size UK10, moderately happy with my body on a surface level, but in reality I was uncomfortable with my own reflection, felt larger than everyone else, and didn't really feel present in my body. I went on the pill soon after I started my first long term relationship, within 6 months I had gone up to a size UK16, and I didn't understand what was happening to me. I didn't really acknowledge the weight gain, I thought it was just part of not being a teenager anymore, I stuck my head in the sand, and continued feeling much the same on the inside; sad with a veneer of confidence that convinced nobody. As I got to my mid 20's, I crept up to a UK18, my attitude to dieting was militant and confused, I refused to give into regular notions of beauty, to starve myself to fit someone else's ideal. I armored myself in a garb of feminism and denial, which in many ways helped me to start having a healthy relationship with myself. I wrongfully bundled together fad dieting with living a healthy lifestyle, I saw them both as self hatred in disguise. It was far more important to me to get a handle on self acceptance than being an a certain weight, which is a good thing, but I was blinkered; I was afraid of addressing the unhealthy elements in my life. My physical fitness was terrible and I was chronically addicted to sugar, things I absolutely did not want to address.

A few years ago I blogged about my journey to getting healthier, these lifestyle choices were due to taking an allergy test that told me that a lot needed to change in my life. I followed it for a while, but my heart was never fully in it, and when I fell off the wagon, I did so spectacularly. Dealing with the break up of my relationship and partying heavily for a couple of years undid any good work I may have done during the detox. When I opened The Stormy Teacup I naturally started losing weigh due to the long hours I was working. Around the same time I because close friends with a yoga teacher, Christine McNally, through this friendship I started going to her beginners Ashtanga Yoga classes(my relationship with yoga will warrant a whole post by itself soon). It was at this point that everything turned around for me. It wasn't just losing weight that kept me going back to her class, but the peace that I found on the mat each time I practiced. I marveled at my growing physical strength, I learned to be kinder to myself, to value patience and self forgiveness, by figuring out how to care for myself on the mat, I was able to apply this in my day to day battles. Losing weight was one of the side effects of this turnaround in my life, but it was one the smallest transformations, it was a nice benefit, but dropping all the baggage was the real weight loss.

Since moving to Ennis and starting a new job in a health food shop this journey has continued. I have given up dairy and meat, cut down hugely on sugar and revel in cooking delicious healthy things for myself each evening. Yet again I am tackling my allergy issues, and specifically my skin condition rosacea(this will also warrant a whole blog post). It feels like a gentler more sympathetic way of treating myself, that is sustainable over a lifetime, rather than a regime that I've foisted upon myself. I got a bit of a shock the other day, I was getting dressed and put on a skirt that I know was a tight fit when I moved here 6 months ago, now it's too big to wear and I can take it off without opening it. Most women, who's goal it is to be thinner would be delighted with this but I felt a bit shaky. I hadn't noticed I'd changed that much, and to see a physical manifestation of it jolted me into a new awareness. 

I don't associate being thinner with happiness, just like I didn't relate being plus size with self hatred. I refuse to post a before and after photo with this blog post because I don't want to add my voice to the conversation that shames women over a certain size. The after picture is these words, the after picture is me saying I feel happier on the inside because I figured out how to be kind to myself. When I bump into old friends and they are shocked by my appearance, I don't know how to react, I know that they mean well, I know that they're genuinely happy for me. Even though it's not how it's meant, it feels like a judgement on how I looked before, I was beautiful then and I'm beautiful now. This post is an attempt at having a different type of conversation about body image, about self love and acceptance, just so every voice is not about thinspiration and fat shaming.

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Cooking on a Budget; Beetroot Pasta

I'm probably not meant to moan about how broke I am on this blog, I really should pretend that I am super successful, and that I sleep in blankets made of money. This sadly is not the case, I'm broke at the moment, I know I'll get through it, I always do, but for the next while I'm living on a very strict budget. 

It frustrates me when the media talk about people eating badly because they are poor. The times in my life that I have eaten the healthiest food is when I'm really stuck for cash. There is no option to buy processed food as it's way too expensive. Years ago when I suddenly lost my job was the first time that I realised that you can eat really well on very little money, you just have to put in some extra effort in the kitchen. If you build up a good larder over time it makes cooking flavoursome meals affordable. If you get into the habit of buying one or two things for your cupboard every week you will quickly build up a good arsenal of spices, herbs, oils, and grains.  

I had the misfortune of only having a few euro to get the makings of a dinner for two days. I got  the above ingredients for the grand total of only €4.13! Keep an eye on the veg section that is just about to go out of date, this means shopping more often during the week, but that suits me fine since I live in the city centre. I also went for the own brand feta, which was 1/3 the price of the one beside it.
Cooked beetroot
Feta cheese
Green Pepper
Red Onions
Baby leaves

This is where the well stocked cupboard comes into play for making a delicious dinner on a budget!
Veg stock cube
Garlic
Tomato puree
Black Pepper
Marjoram
Tinned tomato
Soy Sauce
Leftover garlic bread
Pasta
Mixed Seeds

-Chop the red onion and cook with a little olive oil on a low heat in a pot with a lit, at this point add you crushed garlic.
-While the onion is cooking cook up your pasta with a veg stock cube, it really adds flavour.
-Add lots of black pepper and a teaspoon of marjoram to the onions.
-After your onions and garlic have sweated nicely add in your chopped green pepper, turn up to a higher heat.
-To make sure your garlic bread is cooked on time pop it into to the oven at this stage.
-Put in your tinned tomatoes, 2 teaspoons of tomato puree, and a splash of soy sauce.
-Chop your beetroot into large chunks and add to the tomato sauce, leave to simmer until your pasta and bread is finished cooking.
-While you are waiting on the pasta make the dressing from the below instructions and mix in with baby leaves, crumbled feta, and beetroot chunks.
-Sieve your pasta and add to the tomato sauce, add crumbled feta on top of the dish.

I never buy salad dressing, I make it as I need it and it tastes 100 times nicer. Just use
1 teaspoon  honey
1 teaspoon mustard
loads of black pepper
Half a lemon
Good splash of nice vinegar
Mixed Seeds

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Food Love

I'm not normally one of those people who takes photos of my food but a combination of a new phone with a a snazzy camera and also making some tasty food has transformed me into a supper snapper. Both of these dishes were really easy to make, and were absolutely delicious.

Pitta Pizza:
I had some left over homemade Italian sauce from the night before in the fridge and I used it as my base for this homemade pizza cheat.
-Wholemeal pitta cut down the middle
-Leftover sauce(red onion, garlic, tinned tomato, black pepper, chorizo, red pepper)
-Fresh mozzarella(from the Milk Market)
-Avocado
-Olives

Put it under the grill for 7-10mins while you prep yourself a lovely side salad. I made a dressing from ume plum vinegar, pepper, and soy sauce, it's super quick and adds loads of bite.

I've been obsessed with black pudding salad since I got it in a hotel years ago in Dublin. I usually make it with some sort of goats cheese but this time I changed things up a little.

Salad:

-Carrot(I use a peeler to make long strips, very nice in salads and stir fry)

-Olives

-Mixed seeds

-Rocket(I'm totally addicted to it, I put it on everything)

-Baby tomatoes

-Cucumber

-Semi-soft poached or boiled egg

-Black Putting from The Milk Market

-Rye Bread from The Milk Market

-Fried chorizo

I've gotten back into cooking in a big way lately, so I suspect that there will be lots more food updates!

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Egg and Quinoa Cups

I get very bored eating the same food all the time so I'm always on the lookout for new recipes, that's why Pinterest is a goldmine for new ideas. I have a food board called 'Tasty...nom,nom,nom' where I save the most delicious looking things(and also things I would feasibly make), I also have another board especially for Crock Pot recipes as I'm still learning how to use mine. I've tried quite a few things that I've pinned but I never remember to take photos, so they don't make it as far as my blog, but for once before diving in I thought to take a couple of badly lit pictures.

When I saw these quinoa cups I knew I had to try them, I'm a little obsessed with quinoa at the moment, it acts as a carb as part of your meal but it's a protein so it's much better for you. You get that nice full feeling like rice, but without the bloating, like a light satisfying fullness that gives you lots of energy. It's quite similar in texture to cous cous, but better since it's not made from wheat. It's a little bit more pricey than things like pasta and rice, but it's totally worth the extra money. I usually cook mine with a veg Knor Stockpot, and it's delicious. I got the original recipe here on Iowa Girl Eats, but it can be easily tweaked to whatever you have in your fridge, just like an omelette.

Basically they are like an omelette that you cook in the oven with added quinoa. The original recipe made little mini bite sized pieces but I used my muffin tin instead for dinner sized portions. As I said you can put in whatever ingredients you like, but this is what I used.

Quinoa Cups:

3/4 of a small cup of uncooked quinoa

1 veg knor stockpot

3 eggs

fistful of grated cheese

1 finely chopped red pepper

1/2 red onion finely chopped

6 cherry tomatoes finely chopped and de-seeded 

2 slices of cooked ham

black pepper

dash of soy sauce

Salad:

Rocket

Cherry Tomato

Cucumber

Grated Cheese

Mixed Seeds

Linwoods Flaxseed mix(super food,I would highly recommend getting this, I add it to loads of things like breakfast, soup, salads, pasta etc)

Cook your quinoa with 2 1/2 parts water to every part quinoa, then add in your knor stockpot to add flavour, bring to the boil, and let it simmer. While this is cooking preheat your over to 180 degrees. Then chop and grate your ingredients. And mix in a bowl together with your 3 eggs. Liberally grease your tin with oil/butter/non stick spray. When the quinoa is cooked add it to the egg mixture, and divide evenly into your cake/muffin tin. I got 4 servings from this mixture, but I'd say if I added another egg (I had a little extra quinoa left over) and made the portions a little smaller I would have gotten 6 out of it. Put in the oven for 20-30 minutes, wait until it's golden on the top and cooked through.

This may not look like the most filling dinner in the world but I was totally stuffed after it, I will definitely be making it again!

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I Bought A Slow Cooker

Cannellini Beans and Sausages

My friends Branden and Mary-Rose have a slow cooker and they are obsessed with it, and kept nagging me to buy one. I really like the idea of bunging all the ingredients in a pot and leaving it for 6 hours, and at the end you have a delicious dinner that didn't really involve any work. I like cooking but like most people I'm pretty strapped for time, so a lot of my meals are quick and easy but not that exciting. I also fell into the trap of cooking the same 8/10 meals in rotation just because I can't think of anything new. Things improved a bit last year when I went on my detox as it forced me to change how I eat and how I think about food.

I found it hard to get healthy recipes, lots of them that I looked at used convenience food like canned soup and pre-made jars of sauce as their base, which to me defeats the purpose of making a healthy dinner as these foods are packed with salt, sugar, stabilisers and preservatives. I'll probably end up making up lots of my own recipes, and figuring it out as I go along. Don't worry if I invent something delicious I'll share it here with you guys. Here are the few that I found that were made from fresh ingredients.

Ps: I got my slow cooker in Tesco for just over €20

Beef Stew

Falafel

Jambalaya

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Health and Exercise

Source

I've gotten the New Years bug and I started using my exercise bike again. Let me just preface this post by saying that I am in no way naturally inclined towards exercise, in fact I find it more than a little torturous. I was one of those girls that tried to weasel out of every gym class, and I succeeded most times. But now as I edge ever closer to my 30's I realise that I can't continue like this and not expect it to effect my health. My father had three heart stents put in last year, even though he never smoked or drank, was lean and fit and walked about 5 miles a day most days of his working life. Thank goodness he is OK now, but it set off little alarm bells in me that I should take care of my own health while I'm young. 

For the past few weeks I've been cycling 5 miles about 3 mornings a week, I know that's nothing huge, but it's a step forward. Maybe when I build up my fitness I'll do longer cycles, or cycle one or two of the evenings after the market. Although to be honest now that I'm doing the book stall, which involves hauling about 600 books in and out of the storeroom each day, I'm pretty wrecked when I get home.

By the way I look nothing like the ladies in these pictures, I'm rather more pink and sweaty, and I certainly don't have a post salon up-do, but I do love these photos!

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Detox Update

I'm two months into my 6 month detox that I'm undertaking as a result of an allergy test, you can read the details here. I just wanted to do a bit of an update as a milestone for myself to look back on and also to let you guys know how the battle is going.

The good part is that I feel 100 times better, I have more energy, I'm waking up earlier, sleeping better, and I feel more alert. I've lost a fair bit of weight too, I've gone from a 16 to a comfortable 14. Thankfully I've lost weight evenly, sometimes you see people who go on extreme diets and they loose it all in one area, like off their legs or chest, I was afraid this would happen and I would look lopsided. But because this is a detox and not some mental diet it's far more balanced and therefore it's an even all over body weight loss. Also my skin has improved somewhat, not entirely but I can see definite improvements, it has improved enough that people won't comment about it anymore(people can be so rude sometimes!). But I think my skin will take the longest to heal as I've had trouble with it for years. It's really great to work so hard for something and to actually feel the results from it, it makes it a lot easier to carry on the struggle. People have been very kind and commented on how well I'm looking which really helps, as it's a gradual process sometimes I can't see the changes, somebody even said I looked younger the other day, I should have given them a hug!


Physically I feel better too, I no longer feel sluggish or over tired. I used to wake up in the mornings still feeling  exhausted sometimes. Apparently this is a sugar hangover, when you are just letting your body go from one sugar rush to the next. So now there is no highs and lows it's just an even keel energy level. My stomach feels a lot better too, I no longer feel bloated sometimes as I'm no longer putting rubbish into my body. The first month was very tough with physical withdrawal symptoms, mostly from sugar, I got headaches, chronic tiredness, crashed energy levels, extreme cravings, and pretty horrible mood swings. Toni who did my allergy test told me to warn my friends and family about this so they could help me through it. So pre-warned my friends excused my ratty mood for about 3 weeks.

There are difficult parts, mostly when I try to eat out. I'm really happy about what I'm eating when I'm at home because I'm well prepared and have lots of variation. Whereas if I try to eat out it's a nightmare, if I can find something on the menu it usually has to be changed, and lot's of the time I have to take out the main contributor to flavour. Even when I go to my local shop I can't buy anything. Or worse again if I'm in Tesco/Dunnes it's shocking to see that most of what is sold is processed food. Now 90% of the time I do my shopping between the Milk Market and Eats of Eden as I can't find anything I can eat in a regular shop.

We went for dinner the other night in a nice restaurant and I asked nicely about making some changes. The waitress was lovely and made a huge effort, but the food that arrived out was really bland and tasteless, it disappointed me that they couldn't add seasoning and flavour. Having worked in a restaurant I know it's hard, but I thought I might get a bit more inventiveness in a good restaurant.

Exceptions to this rule are:
Bon Appatit Crepe shop at the Milk Market, who made a wheat and dairy free crepe and soup the other day that was delicious.
Cafe Noir on Robert Street, who on a few occasions made lovely salads and baked potato for me(although it drives me nuts that they don't have table service there).
No.1 Pery Hotel where Paul and Shelly got married were really accommodating, and gave me gluten free bread, herbal tea, and fruit salad. Amazing service considering it was at a wedding. By the way the rooms were to die for, I felt like an Edwardian Lady staying there. It's only around the corner from my house but I want to stay there again!
Eats of Eden has been totally invaluable, I don't know how I would have gotten through this without that shop.  I buy a lot of my food there, most of my cleaning products and all of my supplements. I've gotten fantastic advice and pointers towards what food I should be eating.
Orla Redican at the Milk Market has a totally gluten free selection, I buy my yummy bread off her every week. She also has amazing gluten free cakes for those of you who can eat sugar, sadly not me though(she is just past the fish stall on Saturdays).

On top of the difficulty of food I really miss drinking, not in a depressing chronic way, but I miss the fun of it. I'm a very sociable person and going out with friends has been very different. It has been quite isolating, even when I'm out, probably self imposed because I feel kind of awkward. I'm trying to meet people for 'coffee' more (herbal tea) or food, so that there is a different focus, and I'm more likely to be on the same wavelength. Summer time with my friends is very much about long lazy days with some pints and a laugh, and now that the sun has eventually arrived I really miss that easy sense of relaxation, sparkling water is just not the same.

Despite all this the benefits totally outweigh the difficulties, and I am 100% sure that I see it through the 6 months. If I'm going to do this I'm going to do it well, and do it once so I never have to do it again!